It's been forever since I've blogged here, and I apologize and hope that some folks still check to see if I've written.
I do have some good news to share.
First, I have started a new blog where I've been writing more -- if you'd like the information please email me at melissa.k.ooms@gmail.com and I will forward you the new info. I'm not posting it here because it's part of an experiment, per se, having to do with the fact that...
I've been working on writing my first book! Yes, yes, yes!
I have started books before, but this one is a serious endeavor, with a self-imposed deadline of a first rough draft finished by the end of the year. Therefore I have a lot of work in front of me. I'd love to say I've been spending loads of time writing, and though I have in theory (in my journals and via dictaphones that keep breaking...! :( ), I haven't actually put that much down onto my laptop. That is changing. But the framework is there, I just have to flush it out with the facts and the fun!
Plus, money has been a big issue since I'm currently unemployed (which is a big push for my book to get written, published, and distributed across the globe!). Sadly, it limits my time in cafes or watering holes where I usually write, and, well, I'm also homefull at the moment (meaning I'm living with various others -- full of opportunities! -- but have no pad of my own for the foreseeable future as I gather my morsels and crumbs and try to make this dream come true for me).
But the ball is rolling. So please check back here, write me for info about the new blog, keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and the like, and save your pennies for the official unveiling of my yet-to-be-named book! And spread the word...!
mko
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Decisions Being Made
Some decisions are being made for me, by outside forces, pushing me in a new direction.
I had told my roommates a couple days ago that I was thinking of joining Within Reach and that I might be selling everything and leaving. They seemed disappointed that they would have to move and made comments about planning on staying longer.
Despite their flakiness with being able to afford the place and various other problems (such as growing pot plants that have since been removed upon the deliverance of an ultimatum by yours truly), I didn't want to put them out on the street. They are nice and love the animals and are super positive. So I thought about it a few days and came up with a compromise: I would test out Within Reach for a while and keep the apartment with the animals and stuff and rent and all that.
I was pleased that I'd come to a decision and encountered them last night on the porch. I told them by plans, expecting to hear relief that they would be able to stay living here for awhile longer!
"Actually, we're thinking of putting in our 30-day notice on July 1st."
Amazingly, my heart didn't sink, nor did I go numb. I didn't freak out, or break down and cry. Instead, I thought to myself,
"Well, there you go."
I've been "putting it out there" for awhile now that I would leave around the middle to end of July. Then I got scared and backpedaled and started envisioning my new life of happy comaraderie with my unreliable roommates. Clearly reality and redirection have confronted me once again.
Some may say my faith is for naught since I don't attend church, but I can say that a Higher Power is definitely directing me, as I have been looking for signs and have been receiving them.
They are moving out by or before August 1. I do not feel inclined to start the process of interviewing strangers and sharing my house with potentially unstable folks yet again. I've already clearly stated that I am antsy to do something different, something bigger, something more adventurous, and apparently my God is agreeing by shutting doors that do not serve this purpose.
So I guess I will start packing, selling stuff, and moving forward. I don't know yet where I will go but a few options are out there. I still need a place for the cats FOR SURE. Dale may be able to join a portion of this journey with me.
It is coming together all as I'd originally manifested. I am learning to let go, and follow the waves and the wind, trusting that even if I do shipwreck, I will land on a tropical island full of tall, handsome, mostly naked hetero men. ;)
I had told my roommates a couple days ago that I was thinking of joining Within Reach and that I might be selling everything and leaving. They seemed disappointed that they would have to move and made comments about planning on staying longer.
Despite their flakiness with being able to afford the place and various other problems (such as growing pot plants that have since been removed upon the deliverance of an ultimatum by yours truly), I didn't want to put them out on the street. They are nice and love the animals and are super positive. So I thought about it a few days and came up with a compromise: I would test out Within Reach for a while and keep the apartment with the animals and stuff and rent and all that.
I was pleased that I'd come to a decision and encountered them last night on the porch. I told them by plans, expecting to hear relief that they would be able to stay living here for awhile longer!
"Actually, we're thinking of putting in our 30-day notice on July 1st."
Amazingly, my heart didn't sink, nor did I go numb. I didn't freak out, or break down and cry. Instead, I thought to myself,
"Well, there you go."
I've been "putting it out there" for awhile now that I would leave around the middle to end of July. Then I got scared and backpedaled and started envisioning my new life of happy comaraderie with my unreliable roommates. Clearly reality and redirection have confronted me once again.
Some may say my faith is for naught since I don't attend church, but I can say that a Higher Power is definitely directing me, as I have been looking for signs and have been receiving them.
They are moving out by or before August 1. I do not feel inclined to start the process of interviewing strangers and sharing my house with potentially unstable folks yet again. I've already clearly stated that I am antsy to do something different, something bigger, something more adventurous, and apparently my God is agreeing by shutting doors that do not serve this purpose.
So I guess I will start packing, selling stuff, and moving forward. I don't know yet where I will go but a few options are out there. I still need a place for the cats FOR SURE. Dale may be able to join a portion of this journey with me.
It is coming together all as I'd originally manifested. I am learning to let go, and follow the waves and the wind, trusting that even if I do shipwreck, I will land on a tropical island full of tall, handsome, mostly naked hetero men. ;)
Friday, June 05, 2009
What I've been Doing When Not Worrying about What To Do Next
I've been enjoying the sunshine (though it's raining today). And exercising! I actually started the Couch 2 K program (thanks, Erika!) that is a gradual jogging/walking training. So far so good, though I'm repeating week 1's schedule because I'm not a runner by nature and the idea of running two whole minutes makes me break out in sweat of the cold nature. I am pleased that it's been going as well as it has, and soon I will be able to run 2 minutes, then 10, and eventually 30 (or the equivalent of a 5K/3 miles).
Dale has been joining me for some of these jogs, but he gets worn out more quickly than I!
I also went to a free yoga class yesterday -- it was 92 degrees and I was sweating so much I slipped out of positions and on my mat a number of times! Hilarious. But I'm a work in progress.
I've also been cooking a lot and making DIY foods using bulk ingredients instead of buying them at the store -- things like hummus, bean dip, and baba ghanouj. And they've all turned out quite delicious!
With all my time it's been great to start sewing again, though it's hard to stay inside when it's sunny. One day I actually cut material outside on the back patio! I love, love, love the sunshine!
Dale has been joining me for some of these jogs, but he gets worn out more quickly than I!
I also went to a free yoga class yesterday -- it was 92 degrees and I was sweating so much I slipped out of positions and on my mat a number of times! Hilarious. But I'm a work in progress.
I've also been cooking a lot and making DIY foods using bulk ingredients instead of buying them at the store -- things like hummus, bean dip, and baba ghanouj. And they've all turned out quite delicious!
With all my time it's been great to start sewing again, though it's hard to stay inside when it's sunny. One day I actually cut material outside on the back patio! I love, love, love the sunshine!
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Decisions
I know, I know, the silence has been deafening. I've been consumed with thoughts (and worries) and have pondered over them in my heart rather than write them here.
I am not good at making decisions. I like to look at things at all angles -- a good thing -- but then I over-analyze and get scared and paralyzed. What am I thinking about?
What to do next.
I had such a great time on the farm, on the road, traveling, writing, and living, which is what I said I wanted to do many, many months ago. Since returning home, however, I've been (1) worrying (about money, what to do next, and other things), (2) lonely, (3) bored, (4) overwhelmed by the decision-making process of what to do next.
I've also found out some bad news: my blood pressure is up. A lot.
I know I'm overweight, but I'm actually almost 20 pounds less than last time I was at a doctor, when my blood pressure was normal or slightly above. I've been exercising more, eating better, but way more stressed. Even though I often don't consciously "feel" stressed, my nightmares, night sweats, and sensation of a tightening in my throat prove that I am. Note that I did NOT have these problems when I was at the farm or on the road. Only since I've returned. (Though I cannot know the blood pressure reading when I was gone.)
Why? Well, when I'm here I'm faced with many more stressors but no new stimuli to distract my mind from them. I receive the phone calls from my dad, I eavesdrop on my roommates to determine if they plan on staying or if they can afford the rent for the next month, I twiddle my thumbs because I shouldn't spent money to go out but I'm bored with sitting at home, even while working on projects. Since I have so much time without distractions, I end up being enveloped by FEAR: fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of making the next rent payment, fear of being forced into a job I will hate, and also fear of wasting this amazing opportunity I feel that I've been given. I love spending time with my friends and their kids but they all have husbands and jobs and lives and I have 1 of the 3 -- a life. And that's a life that I wish to live as fully as possible.
I feel that I've been given this tremendous opportunity to Live Life Fully and follow my dreams of traveling, writing, and experiencing.
Mind you, I apply for jobs everyday. But the only ones I've been connected with through the state dept are jobs far away and jobs that I don't want -- but have to apply for. Am I to spin my wheels every day for up to a year waiting to hear back from a potential employer when unemployment in Oregon is over 12%, second only to Michigan? Or should I travel and look for jobs elsewhere?
OR join a job opportunity that involves traveling, writing, creating awareness for a good cause, exercising, and visiting friends along the way?
Put that way, it seems like a no-brainer.
My big decision facing me is whether or not to join Within Reach. I have been graciously offered a position, which took a leap of faith for the crew since I am overweight and inexperienced with long-distance bicycling. However, I believe they recognize my passion, fervor, writing skills, awareness, and longing for change -- not only in my life, but in the lives of everyone in this country. And what a perfect addition I'd be! Recently unemployed from a corporate job, LadyM takes to the streets -- literally -- to promote sustainable living, eco-awareness, and the proof that people can dramatically change their lives.
What's holding me back? Well, the idea of bicycling across the country is a bit intimidating even if you are in good shape. Secondly, my pets. As nice as it might be to take them along, I don't think carrying a dog and two cats in a sidecar would be good for any of us. Thirdly, such a decision basically requires me to give up my great apartment, sell most of my stuff, store the rest of it, and leave home and my friends for awhile. Lastly, it means a giant leap of faith into the unknown, not knowing where I'll land or what I will face along the way.
It is interesting to note that a number of my important goals would be achieved by doing this: saving money, traveling, losing weight (which would greatly assist with lowering my b.p.), writing, and living (and creating awareness about) living green. And I'd be part of a documentary, something I've considered making for some time. Ok, and also in the documentary -- a big draw. ;) I seem to be happiest when I am moving, traveling, venturing into new territories, and meeting new people. And hanging out with Mandy and Ryan for a number of months would be AWESOME! Not to mention the career possibilities that could open up from being part of such a cause and involved in a nonprofit, etc.!
This would most certainly change the course of my life. Hence, the weight of the decision.
Then again, maybe I'm being too "BUM, bum, BUMMMMMM!" [<--- sound effects for heavy weight of potentially life-changing decision]. Maybe I should just go with the flow, and take this opportunity, knowing that I can always sneak off at a rest stop and catch a train or plane ride home. Nothing's permanent, after all -- not this apartment, certainly not my roommates living here, nor this opportunity. I have a pretty good hunch I'd never do this on my own, so why not grasp the chance to do it while I can with awesome friends? Almost all of my other friends are having children, why not birth a child of my own -- this project, and my dreams?
Just need to find a place for my pets...and some of my stuff...and get rid of the rest of it...and summon the courage to MAKE the decision -- one way or another -- and then stick with it.
I am not good at making decisions. I like to look at things at all angles -- a good thing -- but then I over-analyze and get scared and paralyzed. What am I thinking about?
What to do next.
I had such a great time on the farm, on the road, traveling, writing, and living, which is what I said I wanted to do many, many months ago. Since returning home, however, I've been (1) worrying (about money, what to do next, and other things), (2) lonely, (3) bored, (4) overwhelmed by the decision-making process of what to do next.
I've also found out some bad news: my blood pressure is up. A lot.
I know I'm overweight, but I'm actually almost 20 pounds less than last time I was at a doctor, when my blood pressure was normal or slightly above. I've been exercising more, eating better, but way more stressed. Even though I often don't consciously "feel" stressed, my nightmares, night sweats, and sensation of a tightening in my throat prove that I am. Note that I did NOT have these problems when I was at the farm or on the road. Only since I've returned. (Though I cannot know the blood pressure reading when I was gone.)
Why? Well, when I'm here I'm faced with many more stressors but no new stimuli to distract my mind from them. I receive the phone calls from my dad, I eavesdrop on my roommates to determine if they plan on staying or if they can afford the rent for the next month, I twiddle my thumbs because I shouldn't spent money to go out but I'm bored with sitting at home, even while working on projects. Since I have so much time without distractions, I end up being enveloped by FEAR: fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of making the next rent payment, fear of being forced into a job I will hate, and also fear of wasting this amazing opportunity I feel that I've been given. I love spending time with my friends and their kids but they all have husbands and jobs and lives and I have 1 of the 3 -- a life. And that's a life that I wish to live as fully as possible.
I feel that I've been given this tremendous opportunity to Live Life Fully and follow my dreams of traveling, writing, and experiencing.
Mind you, I apply for jobs everyday. But the only ones I've been connected with through the state dept are jobs far away and jobs that I don't want -- but have to apply for. Am I to spin my wheels every day for up to a year waiting to hear back from a potential employer when unemployment in Oregon is over 12%, second only to Michigan? Or should I travel and look for jobs elsewhere?
OR join a job opportunity that involves traveling, writing, creating awareness for a good cause, exercising, and visiting friends along the way?
Put that way, it seems like a no-brainer.
My big decision facing me is whether or not to join Within Reach. I have been graciously offered a position, which took a leap of faith for the crew since I am overweight and inexperienced with long-distance bicycling. However, I believe they recognize my passion, fervor, writing skills, awareness, and longing for change -- not only in my life, but in the lives of everyone in this country. And what a perfect addition I'd be! Recently unemployed from a corporate job, LadyM takes to the streets -- literally -- to promote sustainable living, eco-awareness, and the proof that people can dramatically change their lives.
What's holding me back? Well, the idea of bicycling across the country is a bit intimidating even if you are in good shape. Secondly, my pets. As nice as it might be to take them along, I don't think carrying a dog and two cats in a sidecar would be good for any of us. Thirdly, such a decision basically requires me to give up my great apartment, sell most of my stuff, store the rest of it, and leave home and my friends for awhile. Lastly, it means a giant leap of faith into the unknown, not knowing where I'll land or what I will face along the way.
It is interesting to note that a number of my important goals would be achieved by doing this: saving money, traveling, losing weight (which would greatly assist with lowering my b.p.), writing, and living (and creating awareness about) living green. And I'd be part of a documentary, something I've considered making for some time. Ok, and also in the documentary -- a big draw. ;) I seem to be happiest when I am moving, traveling, venturing into new territories, and meeting new people. And hanging out with Mandy and Ryan for a number of months would be AWESOME! Not to mention the career possibilities that could open up from being part of such a cause and involved in a nonprofit, etc.!
This would most certainly change the course of my life. Hence, the weight of the decision.
Then again, maybe I'm being too "BUM, bum, BUMMMMMM!" [<--- sound effects for heavy weight of potentially life-changing decision]. Maybe I should just go with the flow, and take this opportunity, knowing that I can always sneak off at a rest stop and catch a train or plane ride home. Nothing's permanent, after all -- not this apartment, certainly not my roommates living here, nor this opportunity. I have a pretty good hunch I'd never do this on my own, so why not grasp the chance to do it while I can with awesome friends? Almost all of my other friends are having children, why not birth a child of my own -- this project, and my dreams?
Just need to find a place for my pets...and some of my stuff...and get rid of the rest of it...and summon the courage to MAKE the decision -- one way or another -- and then stick with it.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'm Home!
Wow. I've tried posting for days now but the internet connection back home of all places has been flaky.
But I am home now in Portland, and adjusting. Took a super long shower the first night home and anticipated a deep restful sleep in a real bed. Instead I sweat like crazy and tossed and turned, tortured by various dreams involving love, longing, and loss.
Sheesh!
The weekend I returned happened to be Memorial Day weekend. I didn't realize this and thought it was the weekend after (at the end of the month). Consequently, I ended up with no plans for the long weekend and a desire to see friends who have had plans for a long time.
So I was at home on Monday, talking care of business such as laundry, etc. The cats were mad that I'd been gone, though Peter warmed up quickly once he realized that Dora was giving me the cold shoulder.
But I am here, home, healthy, and learning. Will write more tomorrow as I am hanging out with a friend who has good internet connection!
But I am home now in Portland, and adjusting. Took a super long shower the first night home and anticipated a deep restful sleep in a real bed. Instead I sweat like crazy and tossed and turned, tortured by various dreams involving love, longing, and loss.
Sheesh!
The weekend I returned happened to be Memorial Day weekend. I didn't realize this and thought it was the weekend after (at the end of the month). Consequently, I ended up with no plans for the long weekend and a desire to see friends who have had plans for a long time.
So I was at home on Monday, talking care of business such as laundry, etc. The cats were mad that I'd been gone, though Peter warmed up quickly once he realized that Dora was giving me the cold shoulder.
But I am here, home, healthy, and learning. Will write more tomorrow as I am hanging out with a friend who has good internet connection!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Heading home
Quick update from a divey joint in Bandon, Oregon, where I'm eating the worst (for me) food I've had in a long time (fried calamari and chips) and it's DELICIOUS! :)
they're closing up, so I need to make this quick, but I spent two great days in the redwoods and am now driving up highway 101 en route to Portland. Tonight I am staying in a yurt in Bullard's Beach State Park -- I would've camped in my tent, but they didn't have any campsites, just yurts! It's the first night I've slept "indoors" in more than two weeks. It feels strange!
I need a shower!
Feeling very happy.
M
they're closing up, so I need to make this quick, but I spent two great days in the redwoods and am now driving up highway 101 en route to Portland. Tonight I am staying in a yurt in Bullard's Beach State Park -- I would've camped in my tent, but they didn't have any campsites, just yurts! It's the first night I've slept "indoors" in more than two weeks. It feels strange!
I need a shower!
Feeling very happy.
M
Saturday, May 16, 2009
And Then There Was One
My venture at the Moonbeam Lodge is coming to a close. I brought Lola to the Greyhound station last night and waited for her for the bus to arrive. I felt sad to see her go, but happy that I'd met such wonderful people in a brief period of time. I hope our paths will cross again, but if they don't, we have shared this brief moment in each others' histories.
Last night Misha and I were the only ones around. We chatted and shared some stories about each other's pasts. Later her friend from Portland came. For the first time since arriving here, I stayed up late (past midnight), writing and searching the internet, probably also milking the last moments of being here.
And now I am the only one here. Misha left with her friend for a trip to town and I am here, packing up and preparing to hit the road. It is with a bittersweet emotions I pack of my little tent and load up the Trooper.
Sure, I've mocked and joked about my experiences here, but overall I have had a great time. More importantly, this escape has been very good for my soul. As I drove through the mountainous pass on the way back to the Lodge last night, I felt a deep sense of calm and contentment in my heart. I am so much more relaxed and rejuvenated since arriving here, so stressed out, almost two weeks ago.
Happy. That's how I feel. Happy and peaceful, and confident about the future. Right now the anxieties are gone. I hope that I can maintain this feeling of calm even when I return to Portland and the unknowns that face me there and down the road.
Nature has saved me, and the love of strangers and the spirit and blessings from God that are shown through such interactions. Some "worry about my soul." I say I have never been closer to God and lived with such faith. The earth is my church, and I have been attending it daily.
Soon I will leave for an excursion to the majestic redwoods, then meander my way back up the coastal highway towards home. May the spirit of peace I feel today take firm root in my center and remain with me always.
Last night Misha and I were the only ones around. We chatted and shared some stories about each other's pasts. Later her friend from Portland came. For the first time since arriving here, I stayed up late (past midnight), writing and searching the internet, probably also milking the last moments of being here.
And now I am the only one here. Misha left with her friend for a trip to town and I am here, packing up and preparing to hit the road. It is with a bittersweet emotions I pack of my little tent and load up the Trooper.
Sure, I've mocked and joked about my experiences here, but overall I have had a great time. More importantly, this escape has been very good for my soul. As I drove through the mountainous pass on the way back to the Lodge last night, I felt a deep sense of calm and contentment in my heart. I am so much more relaxed and rejuvenated since arriving here, so stressed out, almost two weeks ago.
Happy. That's how I feel. Happy and peaceful, and confident about the future. Right now the anxieties are gone. I hope that I can maintain this feeling of calm even when I return to Portland and the unknowns that face me there and down the road.
Nature has saved me, and the love of strangers and the spirit and blessings from God that are shown through such interactions. Some "worry about my soul." I say I have never been closer to God and lived with such faith. The earth is my church, and I have been attending it daily.
Soon I will leave for an excursion to the majestic redwoods, then meander my way back up the coastal highway towards home. May the spirit of peace I feel today take firm root in my center and remain with me always.
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